🎓 I Did Everything Right and Still Felt Lost

When I Looked Up, I Couldn’t Find Me

For the first time, I took real inventory of my life — and I didn’t see any traces of me in it.

Not in my schedule. Not in my career. Not in the way I was spending my days or my energy. I had been so busy checking boxes that I hadn’t once stopped to ask whose list I was working from.

That realization didn’t come loudly. It crept in quietly, the way truth usually does.

The Plan Was Bigger Than Me

I grew up the youngest of four girls — but practically, I was an only child. The age gap between me and my sisters was wide enough that by the time I was old enough to have opinions about my life, the plan had already been written. Single-parent home. Military structure. A bachelor’s degree from a reputable university, a stable career, and self-sufficiency. That was the assignment, all my sisters had already completed the task and I was next up. So, I followed suit and completed it — with honors.

Success on Paper, Empty in Practice

My mother had every reason to be proud, and she was. So was I — for a while.

But somewhere around year five of a career that looked great on paper, I could feel myself disappearing.

I was underpaid compared to my male counterpart — doing the same work, producing the same results, for less. I was answering emails on vacation. I was on-call during evenings and weekends to protect a senior leader’s bonus, without so much as a thank you in return. I had pushed myself to limits I didn’t know I could withstand — and I was suffocating.

The achievements were real. The titles were real. The exhaustion was real too.

And in the middle of all of it, I realized I hadn’t made intentional time for a single thing that was mine. No reading for pleasure. No journaling. No new recipes, no getting lost in music, no challenging myself in ways I chose — like finally facing my fear of the gym. I had colored so carefully inside the lines that I had forgotten I was allowed to pick up my own crayon.

I needed a way out — fast.

I Didn’t Run – I Repositioned

Here’s what I didn’t do: I didn’t quit. I didn’t blow up my life or go off the grid for two months, even though part of me desperately wanted to. Because the truth is — structure, discipline, and stability are my comfort zone. Rebellion has never come naturally to me. So instead, I made the most practical decision I could: I decided to find a new job while staying gainfully employed. Small step. Real step.

But the job was only the surface. Underneath it, something bigger was shifting.

I started journaling again — trying to make sense of the firehose of emotions that came with suddenly seeing your life clearly. Some days I felt like I was finally in the game. Other days, I had no idea what the next move was supposed to be.

In one of those uncertain moments, I called my mom.

I asked her something that had been weighing on me without me even realizing it: “Would you still be proud of me if I didn’t have the Engineer title anymore?”

And she said, without missing a beat — “You could never do anything to disappoint me. You. Are. The. Bomb.”

I didn’t realize how long I’d been holding my breath until I felt the tension release from my shoulders.

The approval I had been quietly chasing had already been mine. I had just been too busy performing to receive it.

That was the moment I marked as Now What.

Something Shifted

From there, I turned to God with an intensity I had never brought before. I surrendered the fears I had been journaling about. I started accepting that I didn’t need all the answers before I could take the next step — I just needed to move in alignment and trust that clarity would meet me there.

And in that season of searching, I did something I had never done before.

I fasted alone for the first time. Not out of religion — out of desperation. I needed to hear something other than the noise. I needed direction. I needed to hear God within me.

What happened next is why this space exists.

🎧 On Repeat:

One thing about me, I process life through music, melody and a good word, especially in solitude. In my headphones…

🎶 Alessia Cara — Here

Let’s Connect:

Have you ever taken inventory of your life and realized you weren’t the one driving? I’d love to know where you are on this road — drop a comment below.

And if this found you at the right time, join our email list. There’s more coming — and I think you’ll want to be here for it.

With love, on the journey – Fast. Pray. Bloom. 🌸